Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Life after Rachel Green? The Pitts!
So no one told you life was going to be this way.It's uncanny how precise The Rembrandts foresaw the three-car pileup that's now Jennifer Aniston's very public affairs of the heart. Who needs a Miss Cleo phone in when lyrics penned well over a decade ago cut to the bone so succinctly? To think this was the theme song to her own hit show. And now the nail in the coffin to push Jen-Jen straight into Heidi Fleiss' new brothel, holed up on a suicide watch, the blockbuster coming this summer to a tabloid headline near you — the potential amalgam of all that is righteous and superficial with two genetically enhanced DNA sources.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, you're love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
Unless you've been raised by wolves, I'm sure the bombshell which was merely gossip column innuendo has been beamed worldwide that her ex-spouse is now expecting his first child with prior leading lady turned paramour. Oh, you may have heard of them...
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
You're still in bed at ten, the work began at eight.I mean, Jesus Christ...the woman's been a pillar of strength for the bulk of 2005. Pimping the "wronged, victimized, wounded, yet persevering ex" image is mighty hard work, dammit! We're all well aware that a fractured marriage in Hollywood happens about as often as the next sighting of Halley's Comet, so it was cause for a three-hankie salute and a very bitter pill to swallow when America's sweetheart was sacked for the quintessential femme fatale. It's bad enough to lose your husband to one of the hottest bitches walking the planet, but to find out not only have they been globetrotting in presumably hot, sweaty coital bliss, but the supposed other woman's metamorphisized from batshit Goth girl to the unlikely vessel of motherhood in less time than Aniston's college tries at box office success? Como se dice, emotional breakdown? It's gonna take a lot more than just reverse cowgirls on that Paul Bunyan prototype Vince Vaughn to ease the sting. I hope Courteney Cox Arquette has stock in Kleenex, because this one's bound to be a doozy.
You've burned your breakfast, so far, things are going great.
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees.
Potential hospital stays for Jenny's impending exhaustion diagnosis aside, this golden child is predestined to be the motherfucking hotness. And with ¾ of her Benetton tribe in place, the time was right for baby Whitey's addition as the biological crown jewel of that ragtag bundle of humanitarian goodwill. I'm so loving these two sluts coupled up together and am already mulling baby names to celebrate this immaculate conception. Peach Pitt? Cherry Pitt? Rock Quarry Pitt? Either way, this is gonna be one more fascinating chapter to add to this Archie-Betty-Veronica cutout and it calls for an honorary viewing tonight of Mr. & Mrs. Smith decked out in Team Jolie's finest membership club threads. Congratulatory blood vials for everybody!
- Berry commented at 1/17/2006 01:42:00 AM~
this is what happens when real life becomes stranger than fiction.
- Supa commented at 1/17/2006 12:16:00 PM~
Trini, you are sick!! I love it. Your Pitt/Jolie love life baby drama wrap-up had me in stitches.
"congratulatory blood vials for everyone."
keep it up
- Mealone commented at 1/20/2006 06:35:00 AM~
LMAO! Goodness you have a great way with words!
Yeah Jen needs to get out of town when that child is born.
- SincereCaramel commented at 1/20/2006 01:19:00 PM~
I think Brad has the biggest balls, so big that he must carry them in the little red wagon he pulls around those mail order Joile kids. The fact that Jen hasn't up and cut the man is a shocker to me...and should be to him.
- Jbrit commented at 1/21/2006 11:04:00 AM~
*DEAD*@ your entire assessment of 'As Jenny's World Turns.'I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt, lol!
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