Monday, October 03, 2005
Mass Transit Annoyance: Part Deux
The MTA left in place an existing ban on open containers and voted in favor of a $25 fine on the activity. The rule only applies to open containers on subways, and does not extend to platforms.So, just to be sure I've gotten this straight....it's peachy keen to be held hostage in a subway car with broken A/C, panhandlers shilling for spare change, evangelical apostles sent to spread the word that the world's gonna end because God sent a Blackberry message with the exact date, the stench of garbage dragged in shopping carts from the homeless and your garden variety psychos lurking among us all because of antiquated rules that now deem importance by the NYPD.
"If you're walking around with a steaming hot coffee on the 5 or the 4 train at 8:30 a.m., I would hope to hell the cop would give you a summons because you have no right to do that. It's not right and it's not courteous to your fellow passengers," said MTA Chairman Peter Kalikow.
"You still can't bring an open container and drink on the subway, as you couldn't in 1960, in 1950, in all the other years," said Kalikow.
Well, to Peter Kalikow & Co., I offer a few of my personal pet peeves to the bargaining table which should merit compensatory recoups since they rely on a little thing you guys aren't too acquainted with and doesn't come a dime a dozen. Common fucking sense.
- Future squeegie washers who disturb a fleeting moment of complex simplicity to request handouts because they're "not trying to raise money for no basketball team, school uniforms, etc., but to keep some money in their pocket for themselves to stay out of trouble" while doing backflips and the Harlem shake to blaring Neptunes beats should be tagged with flexicuffs at first glance of the incoming boombox. No questions asked.
- Hefty motherfuckers who know good and goddamn well they require 2 seats need to have $4 deducted from their MetroCards right off the top. I can't tell you how many times I've been on the receiving end of some oompa loompa's hips rolling over onto me due to the "mind over matter" philosophy being taken a bit too literally.
- Attention brothas: I know most of you are under the impression that you're carrying an anaconda in between your legs, but perception clearly isn't reality. There is no need to have your legs wide open in the ThighMaster position the entire time. I've done involuntary Kegels simply because the asshole next to me is contorting my lower body in more compromising positions than a pretzel.
- To my Asian brethren, I got love for ya'll since those $1 batteries have been the hookup since '92, but a word to the wise...when you have over 3 plastic bags of produce, you'll be surcharged for the extras.
- Can we please enforce a "three swipes and you're out" mandate which would be just desserts for the clueless wonders who can't keep track of their MetroCard balance? To the back of the line at crowded turnstiles with a line snaking up the stairs you go! Pole leaners, who deprive others from holding on while the train's swerving and screeching into the next stop at breakneck speed, would be forced off the train, or forced to ride in the middle of the car without anything or anyone to grip for balance. Loud talkers would be paired up next to anyone with their trap wide open, serenading riders with snores.
- Berry commented at 10/05/2005 07:12:00 PM~
I could say sooooo much about this post but for now I'll just say all in favor say Ayyyeeee!
- Michael commented at 10/06/2005 12:46:00 AM~
Fucking hilarious. Hahahaha. But yeah, Trini, you're making me miss riding the train in NY. :(
- Butta commented at 10/06/2005 01:34:00 AM~
#3 drives me up the funking wall on the DC Metro. Close your damn legs! Your nuts did not pay a fare, punk!
- The Cube commented at 10/07/2005 09:30:00 AM~
When you're on, you're on. Clean up a few words, record it, and send it in to NPR: this is for the country to hear.
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