Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Dreams deferred on a payment plan
By the time it came to do the obligatory — and dreaded goodbye this afternoon at my cube, we both were trying to keep it together and myself in particular didn't wanna be such a girl about it. Last thing I needed was to start blubbering right there in the office like a guest who caught the bad end of a Dr. Phil tongue lashing. The weird part was in the middle of all this sentimentality, there was something I tried to keep on the low reflected not only in my eyes, but in his too that freaked the hell outta me after an I'm gonna miss clownin' with your silly ass hug turned into an Um, ain't he squeezing me a bit too long now? embrace. I know what you're thinking, don't worry...I'm getting to that part in a sec.
Okay, I admit...he's hella cute and we share many of the same interests and we get along like peanut butter and chocolate in a Reese's cup. Why didn't we try dating? Well, there were three major obstacles: 1) we worked together in the same dept. 2) I was involved with (and um....still kinda) with a friend of his that also used to work here. [That's a long ass story I'll reserve for the next peek into the barren desert that is my love life].
Besides, not hooking up automatically extended the warranty on our friendship for another 3 years... but right there in that moment of "keep in touch" and "I'll miss you", we were both *here* on the brain wave communication. I should've fucked you when I had the chance. Goddammit.
Now let's see, where the heck was I? Just replaying that in my head is enough to get a broad sidetracked like a mutha. Changes in other people's lives always seem to spur a session of introspection and this time was no different. His exit got to me reflecting on exactly where I am and where I'm headed right now in my own life. I can remember seeing expectations through rose-colored glasses and writing down my life's script definitively as if it would function like your average to-do list and I could cross off my goals one by one in succession like the future was one trip to Target.
- Go to high school.
- Be the next Debi Thomas, but actually win an Olympic gold this time.
- Get accepted into an A-list college.
- Progress to grad school.
- Work through the ranks culminating in my own column.
- Win a Pulitzer Prize.
- Marry Prince Charming.
- Start my own line of cosmetics.
- Research a cure for cancer on the weekends.
- Have 2.5 well-educated, well-mannered kids.
- Drive the kids to ballet class and soccer practice in the MBenz SUV.
- Live happily ever after with the white picket fence.
If anyone would've told me I would wind up in an industry I really could give a rat's ass about, forcing myself to get up in the A.M. and feeling like I've turned into the weary specimen that dredge through rush hours daily, put on the wheel not knowing how to get off – well, Miss Cleo had to have a refund somewhere for getting her scam readings mixed up....but alas, here I am at a crossroads not really sure if too much time has passed by to still get out there and take hold of my still vivid aspirations pulling off at the corner of Get Off Your Ass & Make Your Own Destiny or just continue to go through the motions to pay the bills. Why is it so terrifying to let go of everything you know, all your phobias mentally shackling you to a standstill and just go for it? Not to just talk about it, but to be about it?
What you waitingI'm still trying. Still fighting. If Holyfield can keep at it being 107 yrs. old, I don't think the shot clock's quite down to zero. How to get from point A to point B, hell who knows? I haven't figured out the map quest route, but I can't stop. Won't stop. Not yet.
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for?
Take a chance you stupid ho
- Michael commented at 8/10/2005 08:49:00 PM~
I wouldn't worry, Trini: You can still accomplish the goals you've set forth for yourself. You've encouraged me so many times; you should reserve that optimism for yourself. If a cynic like me can volunteer to head your groupie squad, anything is possible. I can't wait to read your op-ed's in the Times. ;)
- Michael commented at 8/10/2005 08:50:00 PM~
One more thing: Hmph at the dude squeezing you a little too tightly. Go download a little Houston rap. I want you singing "Back, back, gimmie 50 feet" the next time some dude tries that.
- Berry commented at 8/10/2005 09:06:00 PM~
Hmmmmm...food for thought. :-) i'll just leave my comments at that
- Sarcastic Kidd commented at 8/11/2005 01:22:00 AM~
No u didn't say yall went together like peanut butter and chocolate in a Ressie Cup. Hahahaa.
Whatever u do, make sure it involves writing. I could read it all day.
- Midlife Crisis commented at 8/11/2005 04:14:00 AM~
Yeah, when real life hits it can be hard to deal with. But better to deal with real life than to insist the world become your little painted picture with eveyrthing neatly framed inside...because that's just not the way life works.
It can be scary feeling like you're running out of time towards reaching your true destiny but the irony of that is that our destiny never merely consists of our "wishes"--it often involves serious lessons that we can either embrace or run from.
You've got a great head on your shoulders and I think you just might mess around and grow further within your potential, Girl--when it's time! LOL. And don't be so hard on yourself! Just getting up and out of the house in the morning is an accomplishment sometimes!
- Will commented at 8/14/2005 10:38:00 AM~
Ummmm yeah... make sure you continue writing no matter what (like an old Al B. Sure/Diana Ross song...lol)
I lubb your writing (and I'm truly not saying this in a groupie sorta way, either...) This post right here gave me some insight. Keep it up! :)
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