Thursday, November 24, 2005
Well, before Whitey got all medieval on their ass, spreading tuberculosis and forcing mandatory conversions to Christianity before exiling them to the fringes of their own land. Nothing makes sucking on turkey bones more sentimental than knowing the atrocities suffered to those pesky redskins were smoothed over with just a few slices of pumpkin pie and candied yams all in the name of manifest destiny. It's Thanksgiving, everybody!
Rather than buying into any more of the cliches that come with forced family fun and wall-to-wall pigskin coverage on TV, here's a round down of what I'm thankful for. Counting your blessings never rings trivial in spite of the blood-stained history behind it.
No slaving in front of the kitchen stove for me today. The higher powers decided go easy this time around...thank goodness. Ma Dukes is working and I have no reason to drive myself into a raving lunatic with brining vs. basting, whole berry or jellied cranberry sauce out the can and suppressing the need to upchuck over the sight of Butterball's giblet packet which always brings to mind childbirth in its post-embryonic phase.
And speaking of gag reflexes, vegetarians can you please explain the appeal of the Tofurkey (right)? A clump of soy that resembles a bowel movement is supposed be an appealing alternative to Shady Brook Farms? Just bulk up on the mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. Seriously.
Duck duck goose? This carnivorous combination shown to the left is a Cajun specialty called a turducken.
What the hell is a turducken you may ask? In short, it's a deboned duck stuffed inside a deboned chicken crammed into a deboned turkey layered with sausage, oyster and cornbread stuffings. Such a quirky name to distract from what this Extra Calorie Meal x 10,000 really is. Poultry incest. Mmmm, savor the bird flu rainbow!
Leave it up to Southerners to find new ways to conjure up new monstrosities that incorporate at least 5 different kinds of meats into one artery clogging dish.
I don't know about you, but any food that has a prefix of turd... something's clearly a-fowl. Surely we'll soon see camel humps stuffed into a pig and cooked inside a buffalo under the guise of fine dining.
And last but certainly not least, the occurrence I'm totally in gratitude for is the merciful end to the sham that was Ken and Barbie come to life, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Smart money's on Team Nick to split from this with the upper hand, especially if he moves to continue his forays into acting. The poor guy's been pretending to be happily married to the Anna Nicole Smith of pop music and a freakazoid father-in-law for so long, he's practically mastered the Lee Strasberg technique of disappearing into a role.
I'm sure Papa Joe's relieved that he can resume his late-night tuck-ins without any objections now.
The latest addition to MTV's 10 Spot, Newly Divorced is gonna rawk!
- Mealone commented at 12/10/2005 02:16:00 PM~
that turkey mess actually made me want to barf! Leave it to you to break it down though! LOL!
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