Love is in the air, every time I turn around. And it makes me sick. Right up there with the start of swimsuit season, a trip to the gynecologist or fluorescent lighting in retail changing rooms, St. Valentine and I have never seen eye-to-eye and remain on non-speaking terms.

Showing contempt for February 14th usually gets one shoved into the conventional "bitter, lonely spinster" category of which I am a charter member, but it's a bit deeper than just being alone. The sheer competitive horsetrading aspect of watching women compete for attention by the metric of fluffy pink hearts and rose bouquets feels way retrograde. While it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up with and split a bowl of spaghetti alla carbonara, is it necessary to do so at the lobbying of Hallmark, Russell Stover and 1-800-Flowers?

According to the Beatles, "all we need is love," but breaking in my new vibrator will suit me just fine in the meantime.

Labels: love sucks, relationships, Valentine's Day

Just when I was perfecting my sick cough to avoid the day personally set aside to make the self-esteem of singletons plummet everywhere, here comes Old Man Winter to the rescue. Thank heavens for snow days. Being saved from a hit parade of Godiva boxes, teddy bears and long-stemmed bouquets while the blissfully spoken for's compare greeting cards is just what the doctor ordered. If you couldn't tell already, I loathe Valentine's Day with a passion. Well, perhaps resent is a less bitter alternative. I resent the emphasis placed on celebrating romance on demand. Particularly with the creatively challenged who could whip up heart-shaped pancakes with a side of flavored condoms any old day of the week, but only bother with straining strawberry seeds once a year because it's par for the course. If a designated day's required to get you all hot and bothered... well, you're better off relying on Dr. Phil for spicing up your life. Besides, why the need to cast a glaring spotlight on those people who don't have someone to call their own? As if we unattached lepers aren't already painfully aware of the shit? And now it's morphed into some sort of a public service with the commercialized buildup to drive home the fact that you are utterly alone. There will be no massage oil necessary. No candlit dinner with aphrodisiacs on the menu. No need for a slow jam deluxe mixtape with Marvin, Luther and the extended mix of Prince's Adore. My only date is with a pint of Haagen-Dazs' sticky toffee pudding. Oh joy. Can't. hardly. wait.

"When you're married, you wanna kill your spouse. When you're single, you wanna kill yourself." - Chris Rock

This all-out obsession with pink hearts and red roses on February 14th doesn't make me ponder suicidal thoughts, but it just makes reaching for the Pepto-Bismol to make it all go away a necessity. The upside is I can nurture my nausea in cold comfort since I'm not the only one seeking solace in cynicism. Everyone else isn't exactly doe-eyed with hearts aflutter on this cruelly manufactured "holiday."

And there are a million songs in the naked city that will deepen the depression. So if you're still flying solo, newly single or checking up on your local stalking laws, take Sade off repeat and tune in to these 10 tracks to help you return fire at that fat toddler with all the arrows:

1. Kelis - Caught Out There (With a hook of "I hate you so much right now...," this is battle cry fodder tailor made for the anti-romantics.)
2. Lily Allen - Smile (The prettiest kiss-off song in years.)
3. Soft Cell - Tainted Love (The synthpop makeover only makes a forgotten soul gem even darker the second time around.)
4. Christina Aguilera - Get Mine, Get Yours (A panting thumbs up to mercy fucking your way to the 15th)
5. Ani DiFranco - Untouchable Face
6. Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor (Crystallizing the insanity of loving and hating someone so much at the same time never sounded so sweet.)
7. Portishead - Sour Times (Take equal parts moody soundscape and the tortured vocals of Beth Gibbons and you've got a Molotov cocktail of despair in under 4 minutes flat.)
8. No Doubt - Don't Speak (Before Gwen got sidetracked with pimping out Asian kewpie dolls, she was one helluva songwriter. This classic is exhibit A.)
9. Heather Headley - I Wish I Wasn't (I've lived the lyrics of this joint in a dysfunctional "relationship" for the past 5 years. Damn you, Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis!)
10. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart

Now repeat after me with feeling... bah humbug!

Labels: love sucks, relationships, Valentine's Day