In terms of ghetto award show supremacy, you may wanna chuck that love, peace & hair grease out the window to reclaim your rightful place at the top of the heap. Last night marked the 2005 edition of the Buffoon Entertainment Television's annual festivities and if you were looking for a veritable potpourri of the ridiculous alongside flashes of real stardom on display, you were in for a star-studded treat at the Kodak Theatre. The theme of the evening turned into "how many no-shows can you count?" Among the list of MIA's were: Kanye West, Usher, Serena Williams, Shaquille O' Neal, Denzel Washington, Donnie McClurkin & Jamie Foxx. I was running late so I can't comment yet on Missy Elliott's latest stab at an overblown production or just how cringe inducing the Fugees reunion may have been.

"Do not thank God if you can't show or perform your work in church."

Co-host Jada Pinkett Smith's playful nudge to the fronting heathens in attendance soon proved prophetic.

So let's pick it up from the G-String Divas portion of the program, shall we? Of course, I'm talking about Destiny's Child (a.k.a. Beyoncé and 'nem) taking their cue from Magic City's best to raise eyebrows for an otherwise unmemorable rendition of that feminist rallying cry, Cater 2 U. The lucky contestants for their homage to the Pussycat Dolls were Nelly, Magic Johnson and Terrance Howard (who was probably diagnosed with an extreme case of blue balls after Bee writhed on him like a cat in heat). And poor Michelle Williams...best known as the emaciated, oft-ignored group member with the "gospel" side gig...of all people, did they have to stick her with Magic? She was about two decades too late for that to really be relevant. And bulletin to Ms. Knowles, please stop feigning surprise and a "whatchutalkinboutWillis?" incredulous expression when your lap dancing techniques are called into question. If the clear heels fit, wear them with pride instead of straddling the line between church girl and whore with a split personality (otherwise known as your alter ego, Sasha) when the Holy Ghost suits you.

Speaking of hoes, here's a heartwarming tale of ambition courtesy of incoming BET CEO Debra Lee. Don't ever give up on your dream to move up the corporate ladder, regardless of which married exec you have to lay on your back for...because you too can run your own cable station after putting in premium years playing your position as the HNIC's side piece. Sisters really are doing it for themselves!!

And of course, I would be remiss to ignore what an absolute jackass Bob Johnson sounded like... I'm having a tough time figuring out which was worse. The shameless plugging of his newest acquisition, the Charlotte Bobcats (that's right Emeka Okafor, stand up so everyone can see what a tall, moneymaking stallion you are! All that was needed was a damn auction block adjacent to the mic) or the R. Kelly-esque overtones of his attempt to hop aboard the Beyoncé grindathon. Ick + barf squared.

Memo to Mariah Carey: Since your pre-album promo slogan was "the voice is BACK!", you actually have to live up to that lofty statement instead of sounding rougher than a crop of fresh potholes on the Cross Bronx Expressway.

Quick, someone call the nearest Army recruiter and let them know Omarion's ready to be all he can be! Was that quasi-military getup purchased at the Neverland garage sale? How many more pretty boys are gonna wind up blowing Chris Stokes for a record deal? Now it's more important to devote more attention to refining moves for You Got Served 2, yet I've seen better voice dubbing during Kung-Fu Saturdays on FOX 5? STOP THE INSANITY!!

Of course not all was lost in spite of all the unnecessary antics. Alicia Keys accepted her trophy for Best Female R&B Artist with a well-received shout-out to "all my people who are really trying to dream big dreams. Let's think big. Let's think beyond what these people are trying to hold us down to. Doctors, lawyers, engineers, musicians." I heard that, sistah girl.

Gladys Knight again proved why she's an enduring figure in soul music and a bonafide legend. She shut all those non-sangin' heifers DOWN, you hear me? Backing tapes need not apply. Faith Evans and Toni Braxton couldn't exit stage right quick enough. Ladies you tried, but it was all about the honoree. Gladys had me ready to book a seat with Amtrak, because I wanted to be aboard that midnight train to Georgia. Too bad the majority of the knuckleheads in a throwback or saggin' ass jeans didn't bother to show Ms. Knight the proper respect she deserved by getting out of their seats while she turned that mutha out.

John Legend teamed up with Stevie Wonder for an inspired medley of the play-it-till-your-ears-bleed Ordinary People & My Cherie Amour. Queen Latifah getting the last word at Anthony Anderson's expense while presenting Best Male R&B Artist to reunite with Set It Off co-stars Vivica A. Fox, Kimberly Elise and co-host Jada.

Teena Marie's passionate tribute to her dearly departed musical maestro Rick James tugged at the heartstrings, even if she sounded like the aunt whose had too many sips of Boone's Farm at the family BBQ.

Is there any limit to the wizardry of the amazing Sheila E.? The much-needed jolt of energy she gave backing self-proclaimed "King of da Souf" T.I. was a welcome surprise.

Overall, repeat watchability grade earns a: C-. Looks like the no-shows had the right idea after all.

Labels: award shows, music