How to succeed in business without really trying? Well, you've got to have more than a little Mel Gibson in you. And I don't mean of the drunken, anti-Semitic variety (although I'm sure the suits & ties higher up the food chain save that horseplay for the confines of their respective country clubs), but an all-consuming, almost pathological bloodlust. To worship red tape slashes with the fervor of Hollywood execs dumping third-rate horror flicks into theaters during the dead of January. Once you get in touch with your inner Apocalypto, breaking the news to an entire staff of employees that their services are no longer needed due to a "change in direction" becomes as impersonal as a handshake.

As I stood still among the entire roster of staff members hovered around our Managing Director reading our last rites, all feeling from head to toe just went numb. It wasn't enough that I had worn myself ragged this past week juggling workloads for two, playing the part of a team player since a co-worker fucked me royally by going on vacation last minute. But this was the cherry on the top of my bullshit sundae. All the instances of staying till ungodly hours, skipping lunch hours and inviting gray hairs to take up residence on my head had earned me the ultimate booby prize. A one-way trip to human resources to discuss transitioning and severance packages.

I can't say I was terribly surprised about this turn of events since the rumor mill had never quieted with whispers of consolidation for months. Since the first round of payroll cuts rolled off the chopping block last February, the hologram of job security remained just that. An illusion. However in true white collar fashion, even though the situation gave off premonition vibes, you're still never really quite prepared when innuendo becomes reality.

And the carnage kept on coming. The guillotine wasn't limited to falling just on us sacrificial lambs in New York. Fellow colleagues over in Houston met the same fate as their entire department of operations were also announced as closing. Factor in the additional cuts made in Maryland and the grand total of casualties soared past the 500 mark easily. But the real punchlines were saved when Corporate tried to put a positive PR spin on the unceremonious dismissals this way via e-mail:

"First, in a cost effective manner, this partnership provides ____ a competitive edge, giving us the flexibility to quickly add capacity and seamlessly respond to the ever-evolving needs of clients and changes in the _____ market.
Second, this partnership lets us leverage a strategic partner's existing assets, which include a highly educated and experienced workforce, and a track record of operational excellence and client satisfaction.
Third, with ______, _____ has created a truly global service offering, giving us access to talent around the world, allowing a "follow-the-sun" work schedule with 24/7 service capabilities.
Finally, and most importantly, the partnership allows _____ to maintain its focus on its core competencies, increasing our efficiency and furthering our ability to invest in technologies and resources that will continually help our clients."

Translation: "Fuck ya'll, suckas! We're outsourcing this bitch to barely competent Southeast Asians and pocketing your paychecks to keep our profit margins pleasing to the shareholders. 7 figure end-of-year bonuses for us! Schwing!"

The only silver lining to this dark cloud is that this frees me from the fear that was holding me back from pursuing what I truly wanted to make of my life. This job was never anything that fulfilled me and just waking up in the morning to get dressed was a daily struggle. I got accustomed to going through the motions so much that I forgot what trying to build a career feels like. I chose what pays the bills as opposed to what makes me happy and look where it got me. I don't care if I never get to see my byline gracing the front page of the New York Times, my time of being a bench warmer while my aspirations float off into oblivion is over... thankfully. And besides, the only thing better than using up vacation time in rapid succession is throwing caution to the wind with 2 hour liquid lunches. I mean, what are they really gonna do? Fire me? Oops, too late.

Labels: frustration, layoff, unemployment, work