Monday, August 29, 2005
I passed up Entourage for this?
Each year, I make a semi-coherent promise to myself not to watch, but like all disasters live and in Technicolor — you just can't seem to turn away. So I figured the real test would be to make it through this 3+ hr. testament to bloated ego while sober. But even that seemed too big a challenge, so I settled on taking a shot every time a morally bankrupt musician began their acceptance speech with "First and foremost, I'd like to thank my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ..."
Since they've uprooted the locale from NYC to Miami, the bullshit levels taken a seismic increase on the Richter scale of excess with everybody and their baby's mama spreading the Crockett & Tubbs-inspired motifs thinner than a g-string on South Beach. This year kept the Russ Mayer homage of Faster Asskissers, Kill, Kill! alive and well. And who better sums up style over substance than Puff Daddy, um, Puffy, er...P. Shitty...I mean...Doo Wah Diddy.
In spite of his empty promise "to witness something you've never witnessed before," the soggy opener coupled with a dance-off with Omarion, donating his six-figure costing watch to the United Negro Consumer Fund, the unnecessary fashion challenge that made over master pimp extraordinaire Magic Don Juan into a Dr. Claw knockoff right down to his own personal Mad Cat just highlighted the fact this entire production was one waterlogged mess.
Burning questions that remained unanswered:
How many arbiters did Kelly Clarkson have to gang bang in order to upset Gwen Stefani for Best Female Video? Shockingly, the hollaback girl was snubbed entirely in the major categories and had her clip wins banished to the minor leagues for Best Choreography & Art Direction. That diss and dismiss is bananas... B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I demand a recount.
When is Diddy going to finally allow Biggie to rest in peace? Mr. New Negro, this wasn't the Oscars and your bucktoothed ass sure ain't John Williams — so what's with the orchestral medley of Ready To Die? Yes, the remix of Warning with Snoop was kinda tight, but that aside: there's a time and a place for everything. It was appropriate seven years ago. Now the current generation has a blank stare because the Notorious B.I.G.'s known as "like, some fat guy that got shot, right?" and the rest of us who know better see you as the buzzard pecking the bones for the last shred of sympathy left. I know Jay-Z threw a Kanye-like tantrum backstage since he was snubbed from indulging in his favorite pastime - reciting old Frank White lyrics aloud.
Paging Missy Elliott: I know Bow Wow's about the size of a hobbit, but the game to 1, 2 step Ciara out of her draws could've been a bit more discreet. She had the Venus fly trap deathgrip on the poor girl's hand like whoa. Props on her two moonman wins, though. Lose Control was another wacky visual trip that was one of the few truly distinctive videos in contention all night.
Memo to Bang 'Em Smurf... er, I mean John Legend. Just how were you able to breathe with that belted Bebe blazer in a smedium on? And you really think the ploy from the Usher playbook of renting out an anonymous "supermodel" throws off the scent of gaydar wafting all around you? Come on now. The journey out the closet doesn't need to be so difficult. Just "take it slow, oh oh oh... this time just take it slow..."
Since Green Day grabbed the lion's share of moonmen for Boulevard of Broken Dreams, the headlines are likely to christen this as "the return of rawk!" but overall this was more of hip hop's retirement home with cameos from fossilized relics like MC Hammer, Grandmaster Flash and Luke.
Such a nice gesture of MTV to allow Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams to wave their goodbyes to the spotlight because once the Destiny's Child promotional farewell tour grinds to the final halt, it's a wrap for these two dead weights. You could almost see the light behind Beyoncé's dim eyes light up in anticipation. We're it not for the constant member merry-go-round, would we even give a damn? — the 30 second retrospective could've been canned entirely without the blink of an eye.
The good: In a word, Shakira. No extras, no backing troupe of dancers, just the kind of hip movements that are probably outlawed west of the Mississippi and electric chemistry with collaborator Alejandro Sanz on La Tortura. This bitch is fierce with a capital F. Isn't it telling that a Colombian pop singer has clearer enunciation than a gaggle of hometown high school dropouts masquerading as 'hood mobsters?
The Louis Vuitton Don & Jamie Foxx brought some much needed energy with a hyperactive rendition of Gold Digger. I could've done without Jamie losing steam to just rip open his shirt and segue into Hype Man-ville, but Kanye's stage presence can't be denied.
Jeremy Piven ribbing Lil' Kim (who apparently had to stoop to raiding Donatella's bargain basement in the same Versace duds Madonna sported 3 seasons ago in her GoodFellas layout) while presenting the award for Best Rap Video. "You know, she's about to go to the big house, for lying,'' he said. "I'd like to place a call to the warden and upgrade your situation.'' Don't think she'll want to hug that out, bitch.
Fat Joe going for the jugular in his ongoing feud with 50 Cent with the slyest jab of the night: "I feel so safe tonight, with all this police protection courtesy of G-Unit." Talk about defecating on ya microphone. Ice cold.
The bad & oh-so-ugly: Fitty gettin' all Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome in the wake of having his panties exposed for the world to see by Don Cartegena earlier. We all knew retaliation was imminent, but if you're wearing a man halter, pecs hoisted at full salute with Maidenform support in pleather pants coming off a wack ass medley with assorted lackeys and the phrase "pussy boi" is the best you can come up with as a retort? You might as well wave your wifebeater in surrender. What a cowardly backslide into the abyss of coonery.
There's no way the most bizarre one-man reenactment done "live" could go by without a mention...of course I'm referring to every father's worst nightmare: R. Kelly. Three words come to mind: What. the. fuck?! If I wanted to see the sequel to Shelly Garrett's Beauty Shop, I'll pay my way at the Beacon Theatre box office with the rest of the Mama, I Wanna Sing Because At Night I've Prayed And A Woman's Fed Up chitlin plays. Clearly the withdrawals from the underage poontang is driving this nigga over the edge since he was blatantly miming 4 different parts as if chapter 7 of Trapped In A Piss Soaked Closet was really high art.
Mariah Carey mistaking the National Hotel's poolside as the relocation of Miss America's talent competition. This vapid twit didn't disappoint with a gown straight outta Frederick's of Hollywood's seasonal liquidation sale and Tourette's hand motions. Her whole Krystal Carrington vibe is so yawn-inducing, I'd rather pluck my nose hairs while thumbing through a back catalog of Fingerhut. And when is the lie of "biggest-selling female artist ever" going to be untold? This heifer has more conflicting press releases on her sales stats than the department of Homeland Security.
And how fitting that one desperate tramp introduced another with the tragically overexposed Eva Longoria in a preshrunk ruffled one-piece that only put undue emphasis on her prepubscent figure. Didn't you see where trying to slink into J.Ho's double stick tape territory got Toni Braxton at the '01 Grammys? "I wasn't about to let a little hurricane keep me from wearing my bathing suit," - nice way to show your sensitivity towards the victims left in Katrina's wake. Honey, you're one more misstep away from selling oranges on the freeway...your clock's at 10:43 and counting.
Is it too much to ask that Tweedledee and Tweedledum better known as Bow Wow and Paris Hilton be forced into a South African landmine face-first? The display of carat jockeying over who had the better bling was textbook asshat pandering between a Teen Beat thug and a whorebag no one takes seriously.
Reggaeton must be stopped NOW. Was it really necessary to have Joey Crack give a long winded intro about a "historic showing" of the three leading stars in Don Omar, Tego Calderón and Daddy Yankee (who briefly put a charge into American Airlines Arena with his ubitiquous smash, Gasolina) and they didn't even perform together? And why waste props on these three when El General did this bigger and better already like a decade earlier? Haven't dancehall diehards suffered enough thanks to the likes of Lumidee and Nina Sky desecrating the Diwali & Coolie riddims respectively? Ricans will always find the loophole to be the proverbial roach in the cereal box every fuckin' time.
Who did Ashlee & Jessica Simpson really think they were kidding? Their attempt for street cred in "knowing what soul is all about...take it from two girls from the dirty South," rang about as hollow as the vacant space in between Jess's ears. These hoes must've had a peroxide drip because they wouldn't know rhythm & blues from a can of Bumble Bee.
Overall the best moments of the show were so fleeting, if you blinked you missed it. Like Paulina Rubio shaking off the crunk when Lil' Jon tried to get too cozy or Kelly Clarkson busting her ass during her ode to Waterworld in the closing performance. The air of unpredictability was unapparent in its premiere, so you can cross off sitting through a repeat devoid of the slipped 30-second delays and up-to-the-minute stage beef. The "who shot Suge" cliffhanger is more interesting than all the crumpers you can fit in a box. eMpTyV has gone the way of the Hunts Point crackhead - still delusional in believing their best days are still ahead when the evidence is clear they're more than a day late and a dollar short.
Rewatchability Grade: D
- Mala commented at 8/30/2005 10:14:00 AM~
I haven't said this to a woman - well said it and meant it - but I LOVE YOU!!! Cockstroking ahahahahahah oh manAHAHAHAHAHHAAHaahahahahahahahaha shit ahahahahhahah. I adore you. This is why I don't watch tv and that's what you get for skipping Entourage. Ari could have made your night so much better! You are my hero!
- Will commented at 8/30/2005 10:47:00 AM~
You... are hilarious. Not just this post, but the three that you slipped in underneath it, too...
Seriously... I enjoy you. And think it's wonderful that you work in Lower Manhattan, too. We should really do lunch one day... :)
- lala_bird commented at 8/30/2005 12:00:00 PM~
You. Are. Going. To. Get. Me.FIRED!
Is it just me or were the Simpson sisters high?
John Legend - gaydar and smedium?!
How about the GAP commercial with Gasp! Michelle Williams singing? It hurt so so bad.
- TriniPrincess commented at 8/30/2005 12:36:00 PM~
Yes - I'm lit as hell that I didn't follow my mind and go with HBO instead. At least the episode repeats like every 5 minutes throughout the week, so it's not so bad.
Will - You always make me feel so encouraged with your comments. [insert big cheesy grin here]
Glad you got a chuckle at my spastic rants and a lunch date doesn't sound half bad one of these days. ;)
lala - Whatever Lindsay Lohan's on, clearly Ashlee and 'nem are taking a taste. All them hoes look like a raggedy hard-knock kids now. Just dried up and spent before 25. Damn shame.
Don't even get me started on Michelle embarrassing herself sangin' bout some favorite jeans! Al Green should throw some hot grits on her ally cat soundin' ass for jackin' up his classic like that. Just WRONG on so many levels.
- Mealone commented at 8/30/2005 06:47:00 PM~
I feel like you are speaking for me! First you share my loathing for Mariah then you hate ReggaeTON?
That's it. I am reading this blog every day!
BTW BEST recap for the VMA's ever!
I am mad I missed Entourage too. VMA's SUCK!
- Rell commented at 8/30/2005 11:18:00 PM~
i'm still holding strong about kanye my thoughts on kanye (no homo).
But as a man -- it's hard for me to hate on Eva or Mariah, if you get my drift ;-)
- Danyel commented at 8/31/2005 01:41:00 AM~
I agree with you on so many points. But PLEASE don't talk badly about Hammer. : )
- TriniPrincess commented at 8/31/2005 11:23:00 AM~
lol@Danyel....please Hammer don't hurt 'em ;o)
I thought his brief pitstop onstage was cool, but it would've been better if there were less dancers. I couldn't pick him out until afterwards on the post-show wrap up.
- courtneyelizabeth commented at 8/31/2005 03:56:00 PM~
niiiiiiiiiiiiiice recap....glad i didnt watch that mess...lol
- Michael commented at 8/31/2005 08:43:00 PM~
LMAO. I can always count on you, Trini.
- Midlife Crisis commented at 8/31/2005 09:42:00 PM~
Whoa. You SERIOUSLY brought the fire with this one. Damn. You are such a gifted and powerful writer. I hate to even mention how wickedly funny you are for fear of minimizing how powerful your game is. Shit!
I winced at the Puerto Rican comment, though. Whew, Girl! Ouch!
- dizeimage commented at 9/02/2005 08:21:00 AM~
Girl, I couldn't have said it better myself.
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